Well, here I am. Still on this long winding road called grief. It definitely isn't a straight shot from point A to point B. And I'm sure I will be on this road the rest of my life. There are even forks in the road. When I reach one of these forks I have to decide if I'm ready right then to deal with my grief or push it back down until I am ready.
I recently found myself at one of these forks in the road. Most of the time I push my grief back down. I have a lot going on and don't want to deal with crazy emotions. But the other day I found myself watching one of my favorite shows, Long Island Medium. If you've never watched the show, it follows a woman name Theresa who lives on Long Island (go figure) and can speak to people that have crossed over. Now, I am not asking for your opinion on this show. I don't even care if you believe in mediums or if you don't. This is my story and I'm telling you my opinion. A lot of the people she reads are parents who have lost a child. I find myself crying along with their stories (some of which are children who had cancer).
This particular day I was letting tears flow but I could feel myself holding back. I decided that it was time I went down the fork that would let me deal with my grief. I went and got the chest that holds personal items of Ambrosia. Once I opened the chest I started pulling out items one by one. And I let everything I had been holding in out. The sobs and wails that came out of me I haven't heard since the night Ambrosia passed in my arms. Holding her taggie blanket, I desperately held it to my face trying to smell anything that might smell like Ambrosia. The blanket Ambrosia was wrapped in the night she died and that I carried her out to the funeral home van in is also in the chest. I grabbed it and again inhaled hoping to smell Ambrosia or something that would remind me of her.
I pulled everything out of the chest. It still amazes me that everything that is important to me from Ambrosia fits in something so small. Her time here was so short and it's not fair. In less than two months time we should be celebrating Ambrosia's 2nd birthday. Instead we will be mourning. In just over 3 months time it will be one year since she passed. I don't even know how difficult these two milestones will be.
In January I started working again. Almost exactly two years to the day that I had lost my job while pregnant with Ambrosia. It just goes to show you that things happen for a reason. I was meant to lose my job while I was pregnant to prepare for Ambrosia's arrival and spend as much time with her as I could. I got 5 whole months with her before we got her devastating diagnosis. And once she was diagnosed, I wouldn't have been able to work between hospital stays and constant doctor's office visits. So I am grateful that for her entire life I got to spend every waking minute with her. I am also grateful for the time after her passing that I got to grieve without worrying about work.
Alas, that time had to end as the money we had saved up was slowly dwindling to nothing! I started working at a daycare. Luckily, the director of this daycare knew me and my situation coming in. I didn't have to explain my 2 year absence from the work force. I was really worried about going on job interviews and breaking down into tears about why I hadn't been working for so long. My first day the director warned me that one of the kids reminded her of Ambrosia. The little girl she was talking about wasn't there my first day, but she wanted me to be prepared when I saw her. The next day I met who she was talking about. At first I couldn't see it. Probably because this little girl had hair and Ambrosia never got the chance to have hair. But after looking at her while she played I could see some similarities. She had the same dark eyes as Ambrosia and her skin tone was similar. Even her facial expression reminded me of one of the pictures of Ambrosia. Later that day I broke down, I don't know if it was the stress of work and adjusting or seeing this little girl. I imagine a combination of the two. I am grateful though for the understanding of my co-workers.
I have now been there almost two months and things are going well. I love working with kids especially being around the babies and the children around the age Ambrosia would be now. It is rewarding and where I need to be.
Braeden is doing well. He still brings up Ambrosia every once in awhile. He sees her in a lot of things. Especially unexplainable things. He'll say "Sister must have done that!" Last month I took him to the SuperSibs group at the hospital. He actually didn't want to go, but the child psychologist was going to be speaking at the dinner I would be going to so I told him he didn't have a choice! I wasn't going to miss getting to see one of my favorite people. Most of the time he wants to go anyway. He always has a good time and comes home with some cool things they make. That night he came home with a medal they made along with a CD with a cover of the Katy Perry song "Roar" they had written the previous month.
The other night after reading him a couple of books at bedtime he said "If I was in heaven and you were missing me I would come and sit right next to you." I grabbed him up in a hug and asked him if he thought Ambrosia was sitting with us then and he said yes. I told him that he can always talk to Ambrosia in his thoughts and she will hear him.
I am still volunteering with CureSearch and will actually be setting up a table at the APHON (Association of Pediatric Hematology and Oncology Nurses) symposium on the 22nd this month for CureSearch. We have started our team page again for this year's walk. If you would like to donate to our team walk page please visit this link: www.curesearchwalk.org/louisville/angelsforambrosia. I would love for us to be one of the top fundraising teams this year! Especially since I am on the walk committee. If anyone has ideas for fundraising please send them my way. I want this year's walk to be a huge success. You can also start up your own walk team. Even if you can't physically participate in the walk you can be a virtual walker and still raise money for a good cause. Anyone that would like to join our team is also welcome to do so! To sign up to be a walker or to start your own team visit this link: www.curesearchwalk.org/louisville
Thank you everyone for your continued support and for helping to bring awareness to childhood cancer and the much needed funds for research!
I recently found myself at one of these forks in the road. Most of the time I push my grief back down. I have a lot going on and don't want to deal with crazy emotions. But the other day I found myself watching one of my favorite shows, Long Island Medium. If you've never watched the show, it follows a woman name Theresa who lives on Long Island (go figure) and can speak to people that have crossed over. Now, I am not asking for your opinion on this show. I don't even care if you believe in mediums or if you don't. This is my story and I'm telling you my opinion. A lot of the people she reads are parents who have lost a child. I find myself crying along with their stories (some of which are children who had cancer).
This particular day I was letting tears flow but I could feel myself holding back. I decided that it was time I went down the fork that would let me deal with my grief. I went and got the chest that holds personal items of Ambrosia. Once I opened the chest I started pulling out items one by one. And I let everything I had been holding in out. The sobs and wails that came out of me I haven't heard since the night Ambrosia passed in my arms. Holding her taggie blanket, I desperately held it to my face trying to smell anything that might smell like Ambrosia. The blanket Ambrosia was wrapped in the night she died and that I carried her out to the funeral home van in is also in the chest. I grabbed it and again inhaled hoping to smell Ambrosia or something that would remind me of her.
I pulled everything out of the chest. It still amazes me that everything that is important to me from Ambrosia fits in something so small. Her time here was so short and it's not fair. In less than two months time we should be celebrating Ambrosia's 2nd birthday. Instead we will be mourning. In just over 3 months time it will be one year since she passed. I don't even know how difficult these two milestones will be.
In January I started working again. Almost exactly two years to the day that I had lost my job while pregnant with Ambrosia. It just goes to show you that things happen for a reason. I was meant to lose my job while I was pregnant to prepare for Ambrosia's arrival and spend as much time with her as I could. I got 5 whole months with her before we got her devastating diagnosis. And once she was diagnosed, I wouldn't have been able to work between hospital stays and constant doctor's office visits. So I am grateful that for her entire life I got to spend every waking minute with her. I am also grateful for the time after her passing that I got to grieve without worrying about work.
Alas, that time had to end as the money we had saved up was slowly dwindling to nothing! I started working at a daycare. Luckily, the director of this daycare knew me and my situation coming in. I didn't have to explain my 2 year absence from the work force. I was really worried about going on job interviews and breaking down into tears about why I hadn't been working for so long. My first day the director warned me that one of the kids reminded her of Ambrosia. The little girl she was talking about wasn't there my first day, but she wanted me to be prepared when I saw her. The next day I met who she was talking about. At first I couldn't see it. Probably because this little girl had hair and Ambrosia never got the chance to have hair. But after looking at her while she played I could see some similarities. She had the same dark eyes as Ambrosia and her skin tone was similar. Even her facial expression reminded me of one of the pictures of Ambrosia. Later that day I broke down, I don't know if it was the stress of work and adjusting or seeing this little girl. I imagine a combination of the two. I am grateful though for the understanding of my co-workers.
I have now been there almost two months and things are going well. I love working with kids especially being around the babies and the children around the age Ambrosia would be now. It is rewarding and where I need to be.
Braeden is doing well. He still brings up Ambrosia every once in awhile. He sees her in a lot of things. Especially unexplainable things. He'll say "Sister must have done that!" Last month I took him to the SuperSibs group at the hospital. He actually didn't want to go, but the child psychologist was going to be speaking at the dinner I would be going to so I told him he didn't have a choice! I wasn't going to miss getting to see one of my favorite people. Most of the time he wants to go anyway. He always has a good time and comes home with some cool things they make. That night he came home with a medal they made along with a CD with a cover of the Katy Perry song "Roar" they had written the previous month.
The other night after reading him a couple of books at bedtime he said "If I was in heaven and you were missing me I would come and sit right next to you." I grabbed him up in a hug and asked him if he thought Ambrosia was sitting with us then and he said yes. I told him that he can always talk to Ambrosia in his thoughts and she will hear him.
I am still volunteering with CureSearch and will actually be setting up a table at the APHON (Association of Pediatric Hematology and Oncology Nurses) symposium on the 22nd this month for CureSearch. We have started our team page again for this year's walk. If you would like to donate to our team walk page please visit this link: www.curesearchwalk.org/louisville/angelsforambrosia. I would love for us to be one of the top fundraising teams this year! Especially since I am on the walk committee. If anyone has ideas for fundraising please send them my way. I want this year's walk to be a huge success. You can also start up your own walk team. Even if you can't physically participate in the walk you can be a virtual walker and still raise money for a good cause. Anyone that would like to join our team is also welcome to do so! To sign up to be a walker or to start your own team visit this link: www.curesearchwalk.org/louisville
Thank you everyone for your continued support and for helping to bring awareness to childhood cancer and the much needed funds for research!
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