*As I sat down to write this entry, I was overwhelmed with memories of Ambrosia. I looked down and saw that I had started leaking breast milk. My body still even has trouble remembering that she is gone. This triggered an overflow of emotions in me that I think I have been holding in and I had to step away for awhile before I could finish writing.*

Since I last wrote we were able to visit some of my husband's family in North Carolina for a few days. It was nice to get away right before he returned to work. While there Braeden got to visit with his cousin Allie who is not quite 2 years old. She was following him around and he was being so sweet with her. It was like getting a glimpse of what it would have been like if Ambrosia never had cancer. So of course I shed some tears.

The night we returned from North Carolina was also the night before Wes went back to work. Having him home with me for a month was such a blessing and a distraction, keeping ourselves busy with activities. The realization that he would return to work the next day hit me like a ton a bricks and I felt a panic attack coming on. I got through it and the next day before he left I again shed some tears. This was our new reality, me at home with one child instead of two.

Thursday last week was the first meeting of the Grief Connection that I attended with Braeden. It is held at our local Gilda's Club in conjunction with Hosparus. They serve dinner before you break into groups which will be helpful especially once school starts. Since it was our first time there, I went to a Newcomer's group where we filled out some paperwork about us and our loss and then we all shared about our particular loss. Braeden went down to his own group, where we were lucky that there was a pet therapy dog that night. He was pretty excited about the dog and I think it helped open him up. The next time we go I will be in the group with parents who have lost a child of any age.

Saturday was a fundraiser that was organized for Ambrosia before she passed. It was put together by some local gospel groups, one of which my dad sings in. We arrived an hour before the concert began to set up a slideshow of Ambrosia and set out some papers about our CureSearch Walk. People were already beginning to show up. Close to 300 people were in attendance. There was a silent auction and a bake sale along with a love offering taken. In all over $4600 was raised for our family to help with expenses we have accrued with Ambrosia's care. I want to thank everyone who was in attendance that night and gave money. We were truly overwhelmed by your generosity.

That same night, I met a woman who liked Ambrosia's Facebook page after Ambrosia passed. She had messaged me a couple of times asking what Ambrosia's favorite color was or if she had a favorite character. She later asked if she could join our CureSearch team to help raise money. I of course said she could. The night of the concert she came over and introduced herself. She then handed me a letter and asked me to read it. She had started making bows in honor of Ambrosia. Each bow had some purple in it as I had expressed that was my favorite color for her to wear. The bows also had a heart with angel wings attached directly in the center. She sold some bows to help raise money for the CureSearch walk. I was immediately moved by what she had done and was excited how much more could be done.

We have decided to make it so everyone who is interested can buy a bow and a portion of the money goes to the CureSearch Walk. The cost to make and send the bows is $5, we are asking that if you would like to purchase one that you send at least $6 so that $1 from each bow goes to our CureSearch Walk. You can add however much you would like to the cost of the bow and anything over $5 goes to the CureSearch Walk. The bows are triple layer bows and approximately 3 1/2 inches with an alligator clip attached. If you are interested in purchasing a bow for this great cause you can email [email protected]. Once we receive your email requesting a bow along with where you would like it to be mailed (U.S. only please), we will email you back with where to send a check and who to make it out to. When we receive your payment a bow will be mailed to you! I am excited and hope this will raise a lot of money for CureSearch! Here are some pictures of bows she has already sold:

Each bow will come with a message that tells a little about how these bows came to be and to help keep Ambrosia's light shining. Please consider buying a hair bow to help raise money for a good cause! We are hoping to raise as much money as we can for the CureSearch Walk that is on September 14th. After the walk, we hope to continue raising money in anticipation of next year's walk with these hair bows.

Once again, we thank you all for your support in every shape and form! No matter how big or small. All of you have impacted our lives in ways we cannot even begin to express. Thank you for helping to keep the memory of our daughter alive and allowing me to share her story.

I've struggled with what to write about now that Ambrosia is gone. We've settled back into life by keeping ourselves pretty busy. We are going through our entire house sorting things out that can be sold at a yard sale we plan to have. There for awhile finalizing what was going to be on Ambrosia's headstone kept us occupied. I got a call from the social worker from Hosparus who said they wanted to stop by and see us. She also said they had found some volunteers who were willing to make a quilt out of my favorite outfits of Ambrosia's. This meant I would have to go through her clothes that she was still wearing at the time of her passing, as I had already gone through the ones she could no longer wear.

After starting to go through her clothes, I got a little upset. It was a overwhelming being surrounded by things that were hers. Wes had to step out of the room for a second to get something and was also visibly upset. We were able to go through everything and I had 2 boxes of clothes for them to make into a quilt. Along with clothes, I added the Moby Wrap I always wore to carry her in and the two Boppy covers that she always tried to get the lady bugs off of. I can't wait to see the beautiful quilt that will be made out of everything and I am so grateful to the volunteers who are making it.

We took a few things to a local consignment shop to sell that were Ambrosia's. We thought we might get a few more dollars out of them than at the yard sale. They said it would be awhile as there were a few people ahead of us. Wes asked if I wanted to shop around, but in order to do so I would have to walk through the girls section and I just couldn't do it. So we sat and waited. When we they were done going through our things they offered us some money for it and the girl asked if we had gotten a rewards card. I said no. She then punched some holes in one and handed it to me. I started to stop her, because why would I need it? I no longer have a baby to come and shop for. Tears started to flow and I didn't bother to explain.

Most days I'm fine. If anything I don't feel like I cry enough. My baby is gone and I feel like I should be an emotional wreck at all times. I'm not though. Today, I went for an annual appointment at my doctor. This doctor's office is who delivered Braeden and Ambrosia. They knew Ambrosia had cancer and I had recently informed them of her passing. Once I was called back one of the nurses gave me a hug. After being put in a room, while I was waiting to be seen I sat staring out the window at the traffic below. Subconsciously realizing that this appointment was just one more thing to remind me that Ambrosia was gone. The last time I was there was a postpartum appointment after her birth. My doctor who I normally see came in to say hello and hug me. She asked how I was doing and asked if I thought I needed any medication to help me. I politely declined. She said that if at any point it was too much to handle and I felt like I needed something to let them know.

We have been to the grieving counseling twice now with Hosparus. Mostly for Braeden as he seems to have his sister on his mind a lot. Once after leaving a playground he told us he wished sister didn't die because he wanted her to grow up and play. A few days later he told us he had a dream and in that dream he died. He burst into tears after telling us. Later, while Wes was in the bank, Braeden told me that in that dream I died too. I told him to unbuckle himself and climb up in the seat with me. I cradled him and shed tears with him. I didn't know how to respond. I didn't want to tell him that I wasn't going to die because that isn't true. We let the counselor know about both situations. She told us it was okay to start using the term cancer when referring to Ambrosia and what made her sick. To explain that sometimes it's something doctors can fix and sometimes it's not. That as far as we know none of us are going to die anytime soon.

Wes goes back to work next week. I worry about how it will be when he is at work and Braeden starts back to school. I will be alone in the house with nothing to occupy me. A little back story for those of you who don't know me: I lost my job of almost 11 years while I was pregnant with Ambrosia at the beginning of 2012. My position was eliminated. I started going to school in the fall until Ambrosia's diagnosis. Once Ambrosia was diagnosed, she became my full time job. I had to stop collecting unemployment because I could no longer look for work. Doctors appointments and hospital stays took over our lives. We were down to one income (as it is for most families who deal with childhood cancer). We were lucky to have that as I know there are some single parent households who are unable to work at all while their child goes through treatments. We relied on the kindness of others to help supplement our income. Ambrosia was my world. I was her mother and her nurse. It was my full time job.

I am hesitant to find a job at this point. How could I possibly explain my absence from the work force without bursting into tears? I know that eventually it will be good for me to get out of the house and join the work force again even if only part time. I just don't know how long that will be. But as I said I worry about when I am here all alone with nothing but the memories of what was.

I am currently reading this book that I checked out from the Hosparus library:

So far it has hit a lot of things that I have needed to hear. There is a group that meets the 2nd and 4th Thursdays of the month at the local Gilda's Club for Parents that have lost a child. The Hosparus counselor told me today I can join it anytime I feel that I am up for it. I believe I will give it a shot if I can when they meet next week. It will be good to connect with others who have been or are going through the same emotions as I am.

I am going to end this entry here. Just as a reminder we are going to be walking in the Louisville CureSearch Walk in September. This raises money for childhood cancer research. Please consider donating to my personal page: http://www.curesearchwalk.org/louisville/teamambrosia or if you want to join our team you can also raise money on your own: http://www.curesearchwalk.org/louisville/angelsforambrosia . There is no amount too small to donate. This article from the CureSearch.org website shows some of the wonderful research your donations could help fund: http://www.curesearch.org/Researcher-Seeks-to-Understand-the-Inner-Workings-of-Rhabdoid-Tumors/ This doctor is researching the exact kind of tumor that took Ambrosia's life. If there is anyway his research can help another family not have to go through the same heartache as our family then it is a cause worth helping. Thank you as always for your support!
 

As most of you know, we were granted a wish by A Special Wish Foundation, Inc. thanks to one of the Child Life Therapists at the hospital. The most notable wish foundation is of course Make A Wish but unfortunately they do not grant wishes to babies. The child has to be able to express their wish which of course Ambrosia could not as she was not talking. So Taryn, the Child Life Therapist, set out to find a wish foundation that would grant wishes to babies. She located A Special Wish Foundation, Inc. which unfortunately is located in Ohio. She appealed to them to grant a wish for us as we wanted something special to make memories together. She may have made them believe we are a little closer to Cincinnati than we may be. Fortunately for us, once I was in contact with them and was able to send them pictures of Ambrosia they fell in love with her and decided to grant our wish no matter that we weren't in Ohio. I will be forever grateful to them as this ended up being the last outing Ambrosia had.

We decided having a behind the scenes tour of our local zoo (of which we are members!) would be pretty cool. We didn't know what all we might get to do, but the important thing was making memories as a family. We were picked up in a limo bright and early on June 14th and taken to the Louisville zoo before they were open to the public. There we were greeted by the zoo's professional photographer who immediately started snapping pictures. She would accompany us and take pictures so that we wouldn't have to worry about doing so. Next we headed in the administration office where we met the zoo director. He was extremely nice and asked us if we had any favorite animals at the zoo. Braeden made sure he told them how much he likes the rhinos and I mentioned the penguins.

We then hopped in one of their golf carts and headed straight for the rhinos. The rhinos were actually standing up and eating, something I have never seen them doing during all the times we've been to the zoo. The zoo director then decided we could go and pet them! Yes! Pet them! This wasn't something they had planned for us to do but since Braeden said they were his favorite he took us over. He took us back where the zoo keepers are allowed and told us to make sure our hands didn't get in between the fence and the rhinos. He said they liked to be scratched on their ears and on their rears!

After petting the rhinos, we drove around and looked at other animals. We learned more about how they take care of them, their names and even some of their personalities. It was pretty neat to see and learn more about the animals that we've seen several times. The next behind the scenes thing we got to do was feed the giraffes. We got to feed the two baby boy giraffes some honeysuckle branches. And then we were able to feed their mom some cut up bananas and we also got to pet her.

The next thing we got to do was meet the elephants. They have two elephants, one African and one Asian elephant. The Asian elephant unfortunately is not a friendly elephant so we did not get to touch him. The African elephant however was very friendly and we got to touch her and learn more about her.

We then got to pet a penguin! Besides the rhinos, this was the most exciting thing for me. Braeden wanted no part in petting the penguin. I think it was moving a little too much for Braeden's liking and he decided it was too risky to pet.

As you can probably tell by the pictures I have shown so far, Ambrosia was not herself during this trip. She was pretty solemn. Later that night I broke down and cried because Ambrosia was so much not herself. I wanted everyone to meet the happy cheerful little girl we all had come to know. Ambrosia did perk up a little by the time we were taken out to eat at Cracker Barrel right after the zoo. She had started playing a little there at the table. It's one of the last times she was herself.

I will leave you with more pictures from our zoo visit.