I've struggled with what to write about now that Ambrosia is gone. We've settled back into life by keeping ourselves pretty busy. We are going through our entire house sorting things out that can be sold at a yard sale we plan to have. There for awhile finalizing what was going to be on Ambrosia's headstone kept us occupied. I got a call from the social worker from Hosparus who said they wanted to stop by and see us. She also said they had found some volunteers who were willing to make a quilt out of my favorite outfits of Ambrosia's. This meant I would have to go through her clothes that she was still wearing at the time of her passing, as I had already gone through the ones she could no longer wear.
After starting to go through her clothes, I got a little upset. It was a overwhelming being surrounded by things that were hers. Wes had to step out of the room for a second to get something and was also visibly upset. We were able to go through everything and I had 2 boxes of clothes for them to make into a quilt. Along with clothes, I added the Moby Wrap I always wore to carry her in and the two Boppy covers that she always tried to get the lady bugs off of. I can't wait to see the beautiful quilt that will be made out of everything and I am so grateful to the volunteers who are making it.
We took a few things to a local consignment shop to sell that were Ambrosia's. We thought we might get a few more dollars out of them than at the yard sale. They said it would be awhile as there were a few people ahead of us. Wes asked if I wanted to shop around, but in order to do so I would have to walk through the girls section and I just couldn't do it. So we sat and waited. When we they were done going through our things they offered us some money for it and the girl asked if we had gotten a rewards card. I said no. She then punched some holes in one and handed it to me. I started to stop her, because why would I need it? I no longer have a baby to come and shop for. Tears started to flow and I didn't bother to explain.
Most days I'm fine. If anything I don't feel like I cry enough. My baby is gone and I feel like I should be an emotional wreck at all times. I'm not though. Today, I went for an annual appointment at my doctor. This doctor's office is who delivered Braeden and Ambrosia. They knew Ambrosia had cancer and I had recently informed them of her passing. Once I was called back one of the nurses gave me a hug. After being put in a room, while I was waiting to be seen I sat staring out the window at the traffic below. Subconsciously realizing that this appointment was just one more thing to remind me that Ambrosia was gone. The last time I was there was a postpartum appointment after her birth. My doctor who I normally see came in to say hello and hug me. She asked how I was doing and asked if I thought I needed any medication to help me. I politely declined. She said that if at any point it was too much to handle and I felt like I needed something to let them know.
We have been to the grieving counseling twice now with Hosparus. Mostly for Braeden as he seems to have his sister on his mind a lot. Once after leaving a playground he told us he wished sister didn't die because he wanted her to grow up and play. A few days later he told us he had a dream and in that dream he died. He burst into tears after telling us. Later, while Wes was in the bank, Braeden told me that in that dream I died too. I told him to unbuckle himself and climb up in the seat with me. I cradled him and shed tears with him. I didn't know how to respond. I didn't want to tell him that I wasn't going to die because that isn't true. We let the counselor know about both situations. She told us it was okay to start using the term cancer when referring to Ambrosia and what made her sick. To explain that sometimes it's something doctors can fix and sometimes it's not. That as far as we know none of us are going to die anytime soon.
Wes goes back to work next week. I worry about how it will be when he is at work and Braeden starts back to school. I will be alone in the house with nothing to occupy me. A little back story for those of you who don't know me: I lost my job of almost 11 years while I was pregnant with Ambrosia at the beginning of 2012. My position was eliminated. I started going to school in the fall until Ambrosia's diagnosis. Once Ambrosia was diagnosed, she became my full time job. I had to stop collecting unemployment because I could no longer look for work. Doctors appointments and hospital stays took over our lives. We were down to one income (as it is for most families who deal with childhood cancer). We were lucky to have that as I know there are some single parent households who are unable to work at all while their child goes through treatments. We relied on the kindness of others to help supplement our income. Ambrosia was my world. I was her mother and her nurse. It was my full time job.
I am hesitant to find a job at this point. How could I possibly explain my absence from the work force without bursting into tears? I know that eventually it will be good for me to get out of the house and join the work force again even if only part time. I just don't know how long that will be. But as I said I worry about when I am here all alone with nothing but the memories of what was.
I am currently reading this book that I checked out from the Hosparus library:
After starting to go through her clothes, I got a little upset. It was a overwhelming being surrounded by things that were hers. Wes had to step out of the room for a second to get something and was also visibly upset. We were able to go through everything and I had 2 boxes of clothes for them to make into a quilt. Along with clothes, I added the Moby Wrap I always wore to carry her in and the two Boppy covers that she always tried to get the lady bugs off of. I can't wait to see the beautiful quilt that will be made out of everything and I am so grateful to the volunteers who are making it.
We took a few things to a local consignment shop to sell that were Ambrosia's. We thought we might get a few more dollars out of them than at the yard sale. They said it would be awhile as there were a few people ahead of us. Wes asked if I wanted to shop around, but in order to do so I would have to walk through the girls section and I just couldn't do it. So we sat and waited. When we they were done going through our things they offered us some money for it and the girl asked if we had gotten a rewards card. I said no. She then punched some holes in one and handed it to me. I started to stop her, because why would I need it? I no longer have a baby to come and shop for. Tears started to flow and I didn't bother to explain.
Most days I'm fine. If anything I don't feel like I cry enough. My baby is gone and I feel like I should be an emotional wreck at all times. I'm not though. Today, I went for an annual appointment at my doctor. This doctor's office is who delivered Braeden and Ambrosia. They knew Ambrosia had cancer and I had recently informed them of her passing. Once I was called back one of the nurses gave me a hug. After being put in a room, while I was waiting to be seen I sat staring out the window at the traffic below. Subconsciously realizing that this appointment was just one more thing to remind me that Ambrosia was gone. The last time I was there was a postpartum appointment after her birth. My doctor who I normally see came in to say hello and hug me. She asked how I was doing and asked if I thought I needed any medication to help me. I politely declined. She said that if at any point it was too much to handle and I felt like I needed something to let them know.
We have been to the grieving counseling twice now with Hosparus. Mostly for Braeden as he seems to have his sister on his mind a lot. Once after leaving a playground he told us he wished sister didn't die because he wanted her to grow up and play. A few days later he told us he had a dream and in that dream he died. He burst into tears after telling us. Later, while Wes was in the bank, Braeden told me that in that dream I died too. I told him to unbuckle himself and climb up in the seat with me. I cradled him and shed tears with him. I didn't know how to respond. I didn't want to tell him that I wasn't going to die because that isn't true. We let the counselor know about both situations. She told us it was okay to start using the term cancer when referring to Ambrosia and what made her sick. To explain that sometimes it's something doctors can fix and sometimes it's not. That as far as we know none of us are going to die anytime soon.
Wes goes back to work next week. I worry about how it will be when he is at work and Braeden starts back to school. I will be alone in the house with nothing to occupy me. A little back story for those of you who don't know me: I lost my job of almost 11 years while I was pregnant with Ambrosia at the beginning of 2012. My position was eliminated. I started going to school in the fall until Ambrosia's diagnosis. Once Ambrosia was diagnosed, she became my full time job. I had to stop collecting unemployment because I could no longer look for work. Doctors appointments and hospital stays took over our lives. We were down to one income (as it is for most families who deal with childhood cancer). We were lucky to have that as I know there are some single parent households who are unable to work at all while their child goes through treatments. We relied on the kindness of others to help supplement our income. Ambrosia was my world. I was her mother and her nurse. It was my full time job.
I am hesitant to find a job at this point. How could I possibly explain my absence from the work force without bursting into tears? I know that eventually it will be good for me to get out of the house and join the work force again even if only part time. I just don't know how long that will be. But as I said I worry about when I am here all alone with nothing but the memories of what was.
I am currently reading this book that I checked out from the Hosparus library:
So far it has hit a lot of things that I have needed to hear. There is a group that meets the 2nd and 4th Thursdays of the month at the local Gilda's Club for Parents that have lost a child. The Hosparus counselor told me today I can join it anytime I feel that I am up for it. I believe I will give it a shot if I can when they meet next week. It will be good to connect with others who have been or are going through the same emotions as I am.
I am going to end this entry here. Just as a reminder we are going to be walking in the Louisville CureSearch Walk in September. This raises money for childhood cancer research. Please consider donating to my personal page: http://www.curesearchwalk.org/louisville/teamambrosia or if you want to join our team you can also raise money on your own: http://www.curesearchwalk.org/louisville/angelsforambrosia . There is no amount too small to donate. This article from the CureSearch.org website shows some of the wonderful research your donations could help fund: http://www.curesearch.org/Researcher-Seeks-to-Understand-the-Inner-Workings-of-Rhabdoid-Tumors/ This doctor is researching the exact kind of tumor that took Ambrosia's life. If there is anyway his research can help another family not have to go through the same heartache as our family then it is a cause worth helping. Thank you as always for your support!
I am going to end this entry here. Just as a reminder we are going to be walking in the Louisville CureSearch Walk in September. This raises money for childhood cancer research. Please consider donating to my personal page: http://www.curesearchwalk.org/louisville/teamambrosia or if you want to join our team you can also raise money on your own: http://www.curesearchwalk.org/louisville/angelsforambrosia . There is no amount too small to donate. This article from the CureSearch.org website shows some of the wonderful research your donations could help fund: http://www.curesearch.org/Researcher-Seeks-to-Understand-the-Inner-Workings-of-Rhabdoid-Tumors/ This doctor is researching the exact kind of tumor that took Ambrosia's life. If there is anyway his research can help another family not have to go through the same heartache as our family then it is a cause worth helping. Thank you as always for your support!
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