The Next Place

I seem to be close to having panic attacks more and more often. They seem to creep up out of nowhere. They come when I am least expecting it. My train of thought will randomly work it's way toward Ambrosia or something to do with Ambrosia and I end up with a sick feeling to my stomach. I can start to feel it bubble up inside me, inching it's way to the surface. If I distract myself by running errands or watching a TV show I can usually stop it from happening right away. That only works for as long as the distraction lasts. As soon as it's done, the sick feeling is back and the need to breakdown is too. I am sure this is not something that will stop anytime soon, so I am resigned to bursting into tears at a moment's notice.

Braeden on the surface seems to be doing well. However, I know his dreams are focused a lot on death. It's not fair that someone so young is having to deal with the reality of death. That he has to worry mommy and daddy are going to die, along with other loved ones. That when it happens he won't see us again. I know it's something that is on his mind a lot because of the way it comes up in conversation or dreams or play.

I am anxiously awaiting the quilt that is being made out of Ambrosia's clothes. I don't know how long it will be before they finish, but I certainly can't wait to wrap myself up in it. I know it will be beautiful like she was. I have another wonderful keepsake that will be coming soon. I will be sharing it after I get it, but for now I'm keeping it to myself.

I will be announcing another exciting way to help raise money for the CureSearch Walk this week. So be on the lookout for a blog post and Facebook posts about it starting on Wednesday!

I will leave you with this from a book called The Next Place by Warren Hanson. It was given to me before Ambrosia passed and I love it's message:

The next place that I go will be as peaceful and familiar as a sleepy summer Sunday and a sweet, untroubled mind. And yet...it won't be anything like any place I've ever been...or seen...or even dreamed of in the place I leave behind. I won't know where I'm going, and I won't know where I've been as I tumble through the always and look back toward the when. I'll glide beyond the rainbows. I'll drift above the sky. I'll fly into the wonder, without ever wondering why. I won't remember getting there. Somehow I'll just arrive. But I'll know that I belong there and will feel much more alive than I have ever felt before. I will be absolutely free of the things that I held onto that were holding onto me. The next place that I go will be so quiet and so still That the whispered song of sweet belonging will rise up to fill the listening sky with joyful silence, and with unheard harmonies of music made by no one playing, like a hush upon a breeze. There will be no room for darkness in that place of living light, Where an ever-dawning morning pushes back the dying night. The very aire will fill with brilliance, as the brightly shining sun And the moon and half a million stars are married into one. The next place that I go won't really be a place at all. There won't be any seasons...winter, summer, spring, or fall - Nor a Monday, Nor a Friday, Nor December, Nor July, And the seconds will be standing still...while hours hurry by. I will not be a boy or girl, a woman or a man. I'll simply be just, simply, me. No worse or better than. My skin will not be dark or light. I won't be fat or tall. The body I once lived in won't be part of me at all. I will finally be perfect. I will be without a flaw. I will never make one more mistake, or break the smallest law. And the me that was impatient, or was angry or unkind, will simply be a memory. The me I left behind. I will travel empty-handed. There is not a single thing I have collected in my life that I would ever want to bring except...the love of those who loved me, and the warmth of those who cared. The happiness and memories and magic that we shared. Though I will know the joy of solitude...I'll never be alone. I'll be embraced by all the family and friends I've ever known. Although I might not see their faces, all our hearts will beat as one, And the circle of our spirits will shine brighter than the sun. I will cherish all the friendship I was fortunate to find, all the love and all the laughter in the place I leave behind. All these good things will go with me. They will make my spirit glow. And that light will shine forever in the next place that I go.