Thursday last week was a big day for a lot of reasons. First, as I mentioned in the last entry, was the Grief Connection group. Braeden and I arrived and ate dinner with the other group members. Then we broke up in to our respective groups. This night there was only two of us in the parents who have lost a child group. It was the first time for both of us in the group. Our facilitator was the chaplain at 7West for several years. It was a very hard process to go through. Talking about Ambrosia through tears and sharing about her. It's not a normal thing for a parent to have to go through. I should be sharing stories about things she's doing now, not things she did in the past. The other mom and I had a lot of similarities as far as where we are in our grieving process. It was nice to be able to get a lot of the emotions I was probably holding back up until that point out. And while I don't think I will feel "normal" for quite some time, I definitely felt better afterwards.

The other reason Thursday was a big day is that my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She will actually be having surgery tomorrow and they will also find out if it has spread or not. Thankfully, because of all the funding breast cancer receives, her kind of cancer is treatable and curable. I am grateful for all of the attention breast cancer receives as it has helped survival rates immensely. I only wish that children's cancer was given the same attention and maybe then Ambrosia would have survived because of great funding and research. My mission now is to help bring more awareness and have children's cancer research and funding be as big as breast cancer or other adult cancers.

While I know my mom will be okay, she will still have to go through chemotherapy. I worry how Braeden will react to it. We told him after Ambrosia passed that she had cancer. That sometimes doctors can fix it and sometimes they can't. I don't want him to worry about his grammy. If an issue comes up we will address it and hopefully put it in terms a 6 year old can understand.

My husband has been grieving in his own way. To the point where it has started to affect him physically. He was certain he was having heart issues. Scaring himself by looking at symptoms. A day or so later, he realized that it's really anxiety. We both have been taking steps towards taking better care of ourselves by joining the Y. It's a way to bond and help work our grief out physically through exercise. I hope we can continue down this road not only to help our grief but our health as well.

Tonight was SibStars at the hospital along with the Mom's dinner. I asked Braeden if he wanted to go and he did. I was a little nervous about being back at the hospital since it was the first time we've been there since Ambrosia passed. I dropped Braeden off at his SibStars meeting and headed to the Mom's dinner. Slowly some of the mom's trickled in and a few of them I knew from previous meetings. It was nice to sit and talk about our children, our experiences going through treatments and caring for our kids. I didn't shed a tear until after the meeting when I went to say hi to the nurses on duty. I got a couple of hugs and so did Braeden. I was told I had to wait for one nurse in particular or she'd be upset that she missed me. We waited for her to be done with her patient. When she came out, she hugged me and told me how strong I was being. That's when the tears came. She follows Ambrosia's Facebook page so she knows what we've been up to since Ambrosia passed. It was nice to be recognized for all I am trying to do in helping to bring childhood cancer awareness and research to the forefront. I hope to do more and more as time goes on and my healing continues.

I got a packet today with posters and pamphlets for the CureSearch Walk. My mission the next couple of days will be figuring out places I can hang posters and set out the pamphlets. Suggestions are welcome!

The Etsy shop sale is still going on through September 2nd with 40% of the cost going to the CureSearch Walk. New items have been added so please check it out!

Thank you for your continued support!

*I actually just remembered something that I was going to write about. I took Braeden to McDonald's after school earlier this week so he could play. While there we ran into a girl from his kindergarten class and her grandmother. We had attended this girl's birthday party earlier this year at Chuck E Cheese. Of course Ambrosia was with us and at the time the grandmother came over and asked us about her. Once she realized she remembered me she asked how my baby was doing. I had to tell her that Ambrosia had passed. She of course said she was sorry, but then she asked if we were going to have another baby. I was a little taken aback by the question, especially from a perfect stranger. So I wanted to address this here in case people were wondering. There is absolutely no reason Wes and I could not have another baby. There is nothing medically at this point preventing us from doing so. However, we have decided to wait at least a year before making any decisions regarding whether we will have another baby. We need to let ourselves grieve for our loss and not try to fill holes in our hearts too soon, as that wouldn't be fair to a baby. Ambrosia can't ever be replaced but we may (or may not) be ready again one day.

 
Today has been a hard day. It was Braeden's first day back at school. I put a pin on Braeden's backpack of a butterfly that was given to us in remembrance of Ambrosia so he'd know his sister was always with him. On the way to school, I lost it. I kept thinking of how Ambrosia should have been there with us. No matter that she wouldn't have been going to school, she should have been there with us in our family unit seeing her big brother off on his first day back. I just want to shout how unfair it is at the top of my lungs.

After dropping him off at school, we went back home. Wes got ready for work and I sat around until he left. I was determined to clean the entire house and finish mowing the yard, as our mower had quit in the middle of mowing the other day. These things would definitely keep me busy and distracted. That didn't exactly go as planned. I struggled to get started cleaning. I felt myself being distracted a lot by thoughts of Ambrosia. I managed to get the house clean, but the lawn will have to wait until tomorrow.

After struggling to get the house clean all day, it was finally time to leave and get Braeden. Once he was in the car I asked him how his first day went and we went to McDonald's so he could play and get some of his energy out. While Braeden was busy playing, I noticed a mom come in with a Moby wrap on and a baby in it. I immediately had memories of Ambrosia and carrying her in my Moby wrap from 3 weeks old and up until she passed away. Tears were imminent no matter how hard I tried to hold them in. I sat there and cried and wiped away tears as they came, hoping I wasn't attracting too much attention in the corner.
 
Pictures of me and Ambrosia with the Moby wrap:
Picture
Ambrosia at 2 months old on the train at the St. Louis Zoo.
Picture
St. Louis Arch Summer 2012
I am thankful that this week the Grief Connection groups meet. Thursday will mark 2 months since Ambrosia passed and it is also the night of the meeting. It will be the first time I will attend the group for parents who have lost a child. Last time was a newcomer's group where I filled out paperwork and told about my loss so they would know which group to place me in. I feel like I definitely need it and hope it helps get some of these pent up emotions out.

Onto happier things....

A woman who knows my dad from his work has offered to sell jewelry, that she makes while going through cancer treatments herself, to help raise funds for the CureSearch Walk for pediatric cancer research! I am so touched to now have two perfect strangers to me think of ways to honor Ambrosia and help raise money for a good cause. She has made a couple of earrings named after Ambrosia, with purple in them of course, to sell along with other handmade jewelry. Here are the pictures of the Ambrosia earrings:
I love the earrings she has made to honor Ambrosia and all the other jewelry she has made too! 40% of the cost of every item will go to the CureSearch Walk! She is donating her time for free in making these items and only wanting reimbursement for the cost of the beads and materials. This is a great way for us to help raise money for the walk and you get some beautiful jewelry too! Please check out all the jewelry she has listed on her Etsy shop at this link: http://www.etsy.com/shop/bluegrassbeads?ref=l2-shopheader-name
More jewelry will be added throughout the sale, which runs from now until September 2nd. Please take a look!

Also, you can still purchase bows to help benefit the CureSearch Walk. Please email [email protected] with your information and how many bows you'd like to order. It's $5 a bow with anything over the $5 amount going towards the CureSearch Walk.

Thanks for everyone's continued support, thoughts and prayers! They mean the world to us.
 
I seem to be close to having panic attacks more and more often. They seem to creep up out of nowhere. They come when I am least expecting it. My train of thought will randomly work it's way toward Ambrosia or something to do with Ambrosia and I end up with a sick feeling to my stomach. I can start to feel it bubble up inside me, inching it's way to the surface. If I distract myself by running errands or watching a TV show I can usually stop it from happening right away. That only works for as long as the distraction lasts. As soon as it's done, the sick feeling is back and the need to breakdown is too. I am sure this is not something that will stop anytime soon, so I am resigned to bursting into tears at a moment's notice.

Braeden on the surface seems to be doing well. However, I know his dreams are focused a lot on death. It's not fair that someone so young is having to deal with the reality of death. That he has to worry mommy and daddy are going to die, along with other loved ones. That when it happens he won't see us again. I know it's something that is on his mind a lot because of the way it comes up in conversation or dreams or play.

I am anxiously awaiting the quilt that is being made out of Ambrosia's clothes. I don't know how long it will be before they finish, but I certainly can't wait to wrap myself up in it. I know it will be beautiful like she was. I have another wonderful keepsake that will be coming soon. I will be sharing it after I get it, but for now I'm keeping it to myself.

I will be announcing another exciting way to help raise money for the CureSearch Walk this week. So be on the lookout for a blog post and Facebook posts about it starting on Wednesday!

I will leave you with this from a book called The Next Place by Warren Hanson. It was given to me before Ambrosia passed and I love it's message:
The next place that I go will be as peaceful and familiar as a sleepy summer Sunday and a sweet, untroubled mind. And yet...it won't be anything like any place I've ever been...or seen...or even dreamed of in the place I leave behind. I won't know where I'm going, and I won't know where I've been as I tumble through the always and look back toward the when. I'll glide beyond the rainbows. I'll drift above the sky. I'll fly into the wonder, without ever wondering why. I won't remember getting there. Somehow I'll just arrive. But I'll know that I belong there and will feel much more alive than I have ever felt before. I will be absolutely free of the things that I held onto that were holding onto me. The next place that I go will be so quiet and so still That the whispered song of sweet belonging will rise up to fill the listening sky with joyful silence, and with unheard harmonies of music made by no one playing, like a hush upon a breeze. There will be no room for darkness in that place of living light, Where an ever-dawning morning pushes back the dying night. The very aire will fill with brilliance, as the brightly shining sun And the moon and half a million stars are married into one. The next place that I go won't really be a place at all. There won't be any seasons...winter, summer, spring, or fall - Nor a Monday, Nor a Friday, Nor December, Nor July, And the seconds will be standing still...while hours hurry by. I will not be a boy or girl, a woman or a man. I'll simply be just, simply, me. No worse or better than. My skin will not be dark or light. I won't be fat or tall. The body I once lived in won't be part of me at all. I will finally be perfect. I will be without a flaw. I will never make one more mistake, or break the smallest law. And the me that was impatient, or was angry or unkind, will simply be a memory. The me I left behind. I will travel empty-handed. There is not a single thing I have collected in my life that I would ever want to bring except...the love of those who loved me, and the warmth of those who cared. The happiness and memories and magic that we shared. Though I will know the joy of solitude...I'll never be alone. I'll be embraced by all the family and friends I've ever known. Although I might not see their faces, all our hearts will beat as one, And the circle of our spirits will shine brighter than the sun. I will cherish all the friendship I was fortunate to find, all the love and all the laughter in the place I leave behind. All these good things will go with me. They will make my spirit glow. And that light will shine forever in the next place that I go.