After my last entry, we had to increase Ambrosia's oxygen and pain medicine some every day to help keep her comfortable. During one of the visits, I asked the Hosparus nurse if she could ask the Hearts and Hands team at the hospital about getting the paper and ink to get Ambrosia's hand print so I could have jewelry made with it on it. The Hosparus nurse returned with more than just the paper and ink. There was a whole bunch of things to do for memory making. The Child Life therapist and Art therapist were going to come out to our house on Saturday morning to do all of them with us.
Friday night around 8 pm, I had to call the Hosparus nurse because I could tell Ambrosia was struggling more with her breathing. She was retracting quite a bit. We went up on her oxygen. Around 3 am I woke up and went and checked on Ambrosia. She seemed a lot worse than before and I ended up calling the Hosparus nurse again. This time she came out to do an assessment on Ambrosia. After listening to her, the nurse decided to call the oncologist on call and see if they could go up again on her pain medicine and also her oxygen. We were both exhausted but were watching Ambrosia very closely to see if the changes made any kind of difference. It seemed to and the nurse made sure that I was to call her right back out for any reason if I felt like I needed to.
At 9 am, the Child Life therapist and Art therapist from the hospital came to the house. The first thing they did was take a mold of Ambrosia's foot and then one of her hand. Ambrosia wasn't too happy about it but she was so much not herself that she couldn't fight much either. Right after they arrived I noticed Ambrosia started to have a rattle sound when she was breathing. I knew this was not a good sign and immediately called the same Hosparus nurse back out to the house. While we waited for her to come, we made bird's nest necklaces. This was an activity I had missed out on at one of the mom's dinners the last admission in the hospital. Here is mine:
Friday night around 8 pm, I had to call the Hosparus nurse because I could tell Ambrosia was struggling more with her breathing. She was retracting quite a bit. We went up on her oxygen. Around 3 am I woke up and went and checked on Ambrosia. She seemed a lot worse than before and I ended up calling the Hosparus nurse again. This time she came out to do an assessment on Ambrosia. After listening to her, the nurse decided to call the oncologist on call and see if they could go up again on her pain medicine and also her oxygen. We were both exhausted but were watching Ambrosia very closely to see if the changes made any kind of difference. It seemed to and the nurse made sure that I was to call her right back out for any reason if I felt like I needed to.
At 9 am, the Child Life therapist and Art therapist from the hospital came to the house. The first thing they did was take a mold of Ambrosia's foot and then one of her hand. Ambrosia wasn't too happy about it but she was so much not herself that she couldn't fight much either. Right after they arrived I noticed Ambrosia started to have a rattle sound when she was breathing. I knew this was not a good sign and immediately called the same Hosparus nurse back out to the house. While we waited for her to come, we made bird's nest necklaces. This was an activity I had missed out on at one of the mom's dinners the last admission in the hospital. Here is mine:
Each bead represents a family member. Braeden also made a necklace and chose his beads very carefully to represent each one of us, including the dogs. The Hosparus nurse came and looked at Ambrosia closely. She then stepped out to make some phone calls to the oncologist on call. When she came back she told me how much they had decided to go up on her pain medicine and also her oxygen. Unfortunately what came next was something I could feel but was not ready to hear. She said that Ambrosia wasn't going to last through the night. I hugged Ambrosia close and let the tears flow.
After a few minutes we continued with memory making. They took Ambrosia's hand print so I could have jewelry made with it. They also took Ambrosia's thumb print and put it on white clay that we can hand out to family. In addition to that they had a canvas and a picture of what we could do on it. It was a family tree with our hand prints. I put it aside for a little later. Wes and I called our respective parents and let them know the news we had gotten. We settled in for a long day of holding and loving on Ambrosia until she passed.
Later in the afternoon, Wes and I decided to get Braeden and make sure he understood what was happening. It was a hard thing to talk about but we all hugged and cried together. Braeden said he understood and after a few minutes of hugging and crying he was ready to go back to playing. As the day went on, the later it got the longer in between breaths it would be for Ambrosia. The chaplain from Hosparus came to sit with us and explained a lot of the process that Ambrosia was going through. He said sometimes it can last for a very long time and she could be like she was for hours. He stayed for quite awhile before he decided to give us more time together as a family.
I had been periodically holding my hand over Ambrosia's heart to feel it beating. There were times that her breathing got to be several seconds in between breaths that I kept thinking after the last one she wouldn't breathe again. And then she would. After awhile we got settled in and decided to watch a show. Within a few minutes of it being on my eyes were fixated completely on Ambrosia and my hand was over her heart. I couldn't feel a heart beat anymore, yet she was taking breaths still even though they were far apart. I kept having to adjust my hand and was still not feeling a heartbeat. I knew then she had passed in my arms.
Wes came and got her and was trying desperately to hear a heartbeat. We both knew she was gone. I called the Hosparus nurse to tell her, who said she was on her way. Our family that was present with us starting making phones calls to tell other loved ones that she had passed. The Hosparus nurse arrived and examined her and said she what we already knew. She gave Ambrosia back to me and we wrapped her up while I held her. The nurse started the process of notifying the appropriate people.
I held Ambrosia and something happened that I had never heard from myself. The deepest most gut wrenching sob came from within. It wasn't a sob or a cry I recognized. I have never felt that much heartache and pain.
A lot of time passed while I held Ambrosia and waited for the funeral home to come and get her. When they arrived, I carried her out to the funeral home's van. I laid her down and immediately embraced Wes and we both cried. After stepping away from Wes, Braeden was right there and buried himself against me in a hug. The chaplain later commented that at that moment he didn't know if Braeden was seeking comfort or giving it, but concluded it was probably both. I held the blanket we wrapped Ambrosia in my hands. Braeden took it and carried it back inside.
After everyone left and it was just Braeden, Wes and me in the house I couldn't believe how silent it was. The silence was overwhelming for me. I also felt completely numb. I ended up waking up around the time Ambrosia usually did the next morning ready to nurse. That moment realizing that I would never nurse her again was one of the hardest.
There is more that I want to write about but will end this entry here for now. My emotions are overwhelming me some so I need to step away.
Thank you to everyone for your support in every way shape and form. It is amazing how many people are touched by Ambrosia and her story.
After a few minutes we continued with memory making. They took Ambrosia's hand print so I could have jewelry made with it. They also took Ambrosia's thumb print and put it on white clay that we can hand out to family. In addition to that they had a canvas and a picture of what we could do on it. It was a family tree with our hand prints. I put it aside for a little later. Wes and I called our respective parents and let them know the news we had gotten. We settled in for a long day of holding and loving on Ambrosia until she passed.
Later in the afternoon, Wes and I decided to get Braeden and make sure he understood what was happening. It was a hard thing to talk about but we all hugged and cried together. Braeden said he understood and after a few minutes of hugging and crying he was ready to go back to playing. As the day went on, the later it got the longer in between breaths it would be for Ambrosia. The chaplain from Hosparus came to sit with us and explained a lot of the process that Ambrosia was going through. He said sometimes it can last for a very long time and she could be like she was for hours. He stayed for quite awhile before he decided to give us more time together as a family.
I had been periodically holding my hand over Ambrosia's heart to feel it beating. There were times that her breathing got to be several seconds in between breaths that I kept thinking after the last one she wouldn't breathe again. And then she would. After awhile we got settled in and decided to watch a show. Within a few minutes of it being on my eyes were fixated completely on Ambrosia and my hand was over her heart. I couldn't feel a heart beat anymore, yet she was taking breaths still even though they were far apart. I kept having to adjust my hand and was still not feeling a heartbeat. I knew then she had passed in my arms.
Wes came and got her and was trying desperately to hear a heartbeat. We both knew she was gone. I called the Hosparus nurse to tell her, who said she was on her way. Our family that was present with us starting making phones calls to tell other loved ones that she had passed. The Hosparus nurse arrived and examined her and said she what we already knew. She gave Ambrosia back to me and we wrapped her up while I held her. The nurse started the process of notifying the appropriate people.
I held Ambrosia and something happened that I had never heard from myself. The deepest most gut wrenching sob came from within. It wasn't a sob or a cry I recognized. I have never felt that much heartache and pain.
A lot of time passed while I held Ambrosia and waited for the funeral home to come and get her. When they arrived, I carried her out to the funeral home's van. I laid her down and immediately embraced Wes and we both cried. After stepping away from Wes, Braeden was right there and buried himself against me in a hug. The chaplain later commented that at that moment he didn't know if Braeden was seeking comfort or giving it, but concluded it was probably both. I held the blanket we wrapped Ambrosia in my hands. Braeden took it and carried it back inside.
After everyone left and it was just Braeden, Wes and me in the house I couldn't believe how silent it was. The silence was overwhelming for me. I also felt completely numb. I ended up waking up around the time Ambrosia usually did the next morning ready to nurse. That moment realizing that I would never nurse her again was one of the hardest.
There is more that I want to write about but will end this entry here for now. My emotions are overwhelming me some so I need to step away.
Thank you to everyone for your support in every way shape and form. It is amazing how many people are touched by Ambrosia and her story.
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